Sunday, March 06, 2011
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Charlie Sheen Facts
1. Charlie Sheen isn't addicted to crack, crack is addicted to him.
2. Charlie Sheen is two and a half times the man Chuck Norris is.
3. Crack cocaine is just the street name, the real drug is Charlie Sheen.
4. Charlie Sheen never sleeps. He's up all night having sex with "goddesses".
5. When Chuck Norris kicks, he splits atoms. When Charlie Sheen kicks, he forms perfect lines of coke.
6. Charlie Sheen is such a winner, that no matter who wins the Superbowl, he keeps the trophy.
7. If you look up the definition of "win" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of Charlie Sheen.
8. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But Charlie Sheen says that "can't is the cancer of happen".
9. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Charlie Sheen slams shots of straight vodka for weeks on end.
10. Chuck Norris is the strongest man on Earth. But Charlie Sheen is a "rock star from Mars."
11. Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Charlie Sheen every night.
12. The Pope asked Charlie Sheen's permission before he recently pardoned the Jews for Jesus' crucifixion.
13. MLK had a dream. It was about Charlie Sheen.
14. Charlie Sheen could make Ellen Degeneris straight. He just doesn't want to.
15. Chuck Norris always wins. But Charlie Sheen is "bi-winning".
2. Charlie Sheen is two and a half times the man Chuck Norris is.
3. Crack cocaine is just the street name, the real drug is Charlie Sheen.
4. Charlie Sheen never sleeps. He's up all night having sex with "goddesses".
5. When Chuck Norris kicks, he splits atoms. When Charlie Sheen kicks, he forms perfect lines of coke.
6. Charlie Sheen is such a winner, that no matter who wins the Superbowl, he keeps the trophy.
7. If you look up the definition of "win" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of Charlie Sheen.
8. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But Charlie Sheen says that "can't is the cancer of happen".
9. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Charlie Sheen slams shots of straight vodka for weeks on end.
10. Chuck Norris is the strongest man on Earth. But Charlie Sheen is a "rock star from Mars."
11. Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Charlie Sheen every night.
12. The Pope asked Charlie Sheen's permission before he recently pardoned the Jews for Jesus' crucifixion.
13. MLK had a dream. It was about Charlie Sheen.
14. Charlie Sheen could make Ellen Degeneris straight. He just doesn't want to.
15. Chuck Norris always wins. But Charlie Sheen is "bi-winning".
Fighting a Warlock
Charlie Sheen has revealed that "Defeat is not an option; they picked a fight with a WARLOCK!"
Not just any warlock. VATICAN ASSASSIN WARLOCKS:
"Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."
In all of the Chuck Norris-isms I've heard, I've never heard anything about Chuck being able to defeat a warlock. I'm not saying he can't, I'm just sayin'.
And who are these gnarly gnarlingtons? Has Chuck Norris ever faced such a beast, and if so, what was the outcome?
Not just any warlock. VATICAN ASSASSIN WARLOCKS:
"Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."
In all of the Chuck Norris-isms I've heard, I've never heard anything about Chuck being able to defeat a warlock. I'm not saying he can't, I'm just sayin'.
And who are these gnarly gnarlingtons? Has Chuck Norris ever faced such a beast, and if so, what was the outcome?
Friday, March 04, 2011
A New Drug
"I am on a drug," Sheen told ABC. "It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body."
This answers yet another timeless question: What was in that chalice that the Nazi drank from in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Clearly, he was drinking Elixer of Charlie Sheen.
This answers yet another timeless question: What was in that chalice that the Nazi drank from in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Clearly, he was drinking Elixer of Charlie Sheen.
FASTBALLL
"Ready for my next fastball, world?" Charlie Sheen wrote on Twitter. "PLAN BETTER Applies to everything where an excuse now sits. Try it. U won't be wrong. Ever."
That, my friends, is knowledge that you just can't get at college. And you got it for free, from Charlie Sheen.
That, my friends, is knowledge that you just can't get at college. And you got it for free, from Charlie Sheen.
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